What does punishment “say”?

A common communication strategy in our culture is to use guilt, blame, shame, and other punishments to compel people to change their behavior.

“Do it or else.”

“Because I said so!”

“Don’t you dare!”

“You should be ashamed. That’s a terrible thing to say!”

“I’m going to have to put you on a Performance Improvement Plan / Write You Up / Put You In Detention if this behavior continues."

We even use this language in our own heads:

“Dan, you idiot! Don’t ever do that again!”

Here’s the problem. When people submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, they are focused on the consequences of what might happen rather than on the value of the action itself.

If a worker or team is focused on fear of reprisals, the work gets done, but morale suffers, and sooner or later, productivity and team trust will decrease.

If a child brushes her teeth to avoid ridicule, her teeth may be clean, but her self-respect gets a cavity.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg says, “Punitive action is based on the assumption that people commit offenses because they are bad or evil, and to correct the situation, we need to make them repent.”

So the next time you’re communicating to punish using threats, blame, shame, or power-over, ask yourself: what are the consequences to the relationship and to goodwill?

The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the more people in our lives will hear, “I don’t care about you or your needs.”