Three styles of communication

In Messages (The Communications Skills Book), Dr. Matthew McKay writes that there are three styles of communication: passive, aggressive, and assertive. We all employ all three styles in different situations.

(By the way, a different way to think about this is that there are 4 communication styles (direct, influencer, conscientious, and steady).

Passive style

When you use the passive style, you don’t directly express your thoughts, feelings, or needs.

When using this style, you may try to communicate indirectly, with a smile or whispering something snarky under your breath. Your body language is slouched, off to the side, downward-looking, or maybe you use a soft, wavering voice.

When using this style, you may be acting as a good listener, but may not speak up directly, or rely on others for what you want to say.

When you speak in the passive style, you may use qualifiers such as, “I’m no expert but…” or “I’m not really sure but…”

Aggressive style

When you use the aggressive style, you are more than capable of stating what you think, feel, or need, but you do so at the expense of others.

When you use aggressive communication, you rely on sarcasm or humorous put-downs and are likely to go on the attack when you don’t get your way.

When you’re using this style, your body language is firm, solid, narrow eyes, raised voice, abrupt.

You may begin sentences with “you” and often stir up guilt and resentment in others.

When using aggressive communication, you are so intent on being right that you probably don’t hear what others are saying.

Assertive style

When you use the assertive style, you make direct statements regarding your thoughts, feelings, or needs, while also taking into account the rights and feelings of others.

When using this style, you listen attentively and let others know you have heard them. You’re open to negotiation or compromise, but not at the expense of your rights or dignity.

Assertive communicators can deal with criticism effectively, without becoming defensive or hostile.

Your body language is erect, but relaxed, modulated, and firm. You make direct eye contact, showing openness and honesty.

When you’re using the assertive style, you can make clear, direct requests, refusals, and compliments. You can start and end a conversation.

And you can more effectively express yourself and get your needs met.