The “F” word at the heart of empathy

According to Dr. Jane Marantz Connor, “A core element in empathetic communication is the awareness of our own and the other person’s feelings.”

Empathetic connection means “to feel with someone.”

It takes practice though, to tune into how we’re feeling. How many times a day does someone ask, How are you? And you give a stock response (fine, ok, great) that’s unrelated to how you’re actually feeling?

For many of us, the only time we truthfully answer this question is with a doctor or loved one.

In our culture, it’s not polite to talk about our emotions. Feelings are considered subjective and untrustworthy. We’re told to “use our heads” or “prove it.” From a scientific point of view, feelings can’t be tested, and are of little value.

“Take it like a man.”

“Don’t be a sissy.”

“Again, with all that touchy-feely stuff.”

For many men, the only feelings we’re aware of are good, bad, and angry.

Many women have been discriminated against for expressing emotion publicly, being called “hysterical” or “weak,” or worse.

“Stop being so sensitive.”

“You’re over-reacting.”

“Suck it up.”

“Get a grip.”

But, the fact that the verb “to feel” is both a way to describe our physical sensations and our emotional state, suggests that there’s a much closer relationship between these two experiences.

As Obi Wan Kenobi said, “Trust your feelings, Luke…”