Talking to strangers is good for you
The world is full of interesting people. Every day, a potential friend, ally, or partner comes into your life. They’re sitting next to you, on Zoom calls with you, waiting in line with you at the store. Some people attract you, but if you stay silent, or fear rejection, you’ll never experience the rewards of relationships.
According to McKay, Davis, and Fanning, fear of strangers comes from outmoded 19th-century social restrictions and your own self-deprecating internal monologue.
Talking to strangers can help you translate your negative thoughts
If you were to monitor your thoughts about other people who you don’t know well, what would you hear?
Would you hear yourself saying things like, “She would never want to be my mentor,” or “He wouldn’t want to help me,” or “She’s too powerful,” etc.?
If you’re labeling yourself with judgments, talking to strangers and relative strangers can help you translate them into observations.
“I’m stupid,” or “a terrible conversationalist,” can become “When I’m trying to think of something to say, my mind goes blank.” “I’m not experienced enough,” can become “I have some good experiences, and also a lot to learn.”
Talking to strangers can help you reframe rejection
People are just as lost in their heads as you are in yours, and there are a gazillion different reasons for why they may not want to engage with you.
That attractive person in the doctor’s waiting room who you tried to chat up, and just made some grunting noises before putting their head back in their magazine isn’t necessarily rejecting you. Maybe their mother is sick. Maybe they’re sick. Maybe they hate their boss.
If you stop attempting to mind-read the other person (which usually comes with the worst possible interpretation), you'd better be able to assume there are personal reasons for their refusal to engage, that have nothing to do with you.
Here’s an exercise to prove it. Write down 25 reasons why you might turn down a lunch date request from a relative stranger. How many of those reasons have to do with the person vs. your situation?
Talking to strangers helps you understand the “need behind the no”
When a stranger refuses our offer to interact, most of us focus on our own inadequacies, unworthiness, or physical or character “flaws,” either beating ourselves up for “social incompetence” or blaming the other person for being “stuck up,” or “a bitch,” or insert favorite insult here.
If you ask a coworker to lunch, and they say “sorry, not today” and you focus on your big nose, you can’t see that they may be on a diet, or have just eaten, or are meeting someone else, or have to save their money to pay for night school.
By saying “no,” they are filling a need (of theirs), which you just can’t see at the moment.
Talking with strangers is actually a safe place to experiment
Practicing initiating conversation with strangers can become a laboratory for your other relationships, teaching you how to reframe rejection.
We each experience a sound rejection around three times every week.
So get good at it with strangers.
Try this. Before you initiate conversation, ask yourself three questions:
What might this person not like about me?
How would they act if I approached them?
What would I do to salvage the situation if rebuffed?
When we think of interaction as a gift, and our initiation is refused, we are more able to see the “need behind the ‘no’.”
The next Daily Tip will discuss two guidelines for making contact with strangers.
