Stop shoulding

Think of a time when you did something you wish you hadn’t.

Take a moment. Pause here, and think about it for a good minute.

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Now, ask yourself what kind of language you were using to describe your behavior.

Did you label the behavior a “mistake,” “error,” or “screw up?”

Common language we use with our self talk is to judge ourselves. When we do something we don’t like, that didn’t meet one of our underlying needs, we silently say things like:

“That was dumb!”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You’re selfish.”

We’re taught, by our schools, parents, peers, and media to judge ourselves in ways that imply wrong or right, good or bad.

The implication is that you deserve to suffer for what you’ve done.

This is tragic, not just because it limits our growth, but because when it does force us to change our behavior and “learn from our mistakes,” the change comes from a place of self-hatred, or at the least shame, which has very different results and repercussions than change which comes from freedom, choice, and joy.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg tells us that the English language has a word with enormous power to create shame and guilt, a violent word, which we use every day to evaluate ourselves.

It’s so deeply ingrained in our thought patterns that most people have trouble imagining living without it.

That word is “should.”

As in, “I should have known better.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

When we “should” ourselves, we imply that there is no choice, and all human beings, when hearing any kind of demand, tend to resist, because it threatens our autonomy.

Dr. Rosenberg says, “We have this reaction to tyranny even when it’s internal tyranny in the form of a should.”