Stepping back into a tough conversation

As we have seen in recent Daily Tips, it can be helpful to step out of a difficult conversation and gather yourself so you can re-focus on your intent and return and communicate the way you chose, rather than remain under the control of difficult emotions. But, what should you do when you step back into the conversation?

Three powerful techniques include contrasting, apologizing when appropriate, and setting mutual objectives. You can read about apologizing and setting mutual objectives in past Daily Tips. This post explores contrasting.

Use contrasting to re-entering a difficult conversation

You’re overcome by emotion, maybe frustration, maybe anger, maybe confusion, and have given yourself a time out. How can you return to a difficult conversation in a way that ensures emotional safety, for yourself and the other person?

Let’s look at an example

Jared is a graphic designer on your team. You like him and his work. However, he seems to be very sensitive to criticism. You’re not sure why, but takes even constructive criticism of his work personally.

The last time you asked him to make changes to a brochure he worked hard on, he crossed his arms, furrowed his face, and avoided you for three days.

This time, the conversation doesn’t start off so well, and continues to get more and more frustrating, until at one point, he attacks you personally.

“That’s a dumb suggestion. You know nothing about good design.”

For whatever reason, his safety is at risk, and he felt the need to defend himself. Rather than lash out, you call for a break, saying you’re going to take five to cool down and come back when you are better able to be present.

You take your break, check in on your feelings and needs, consider his feelings and needs, and remind yourself of your mutual objective to create a marketing brochure that you, Jared, and the client are proud of.

Now, it’s time to re-enter the conversation. You decide to start with contrasting to maintain safety for both of you.

What is contrasting?

Contrasting is a simple don’t/do statement you can use to clarify your position.

It addresses the other person’s concern that you don’t respect them, or that you have malicious intent. (the don’t part).

And it confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).

“Jared, I don’t want you to think that I don’t value your work, but I do want you to hear my direction, so we can collaborate on creating designs that meet the client’s business needs.”

Note, to have the greatest impact, and chance of keeping the dialogue safe, the “do part” should re-establish mutual purpose.

Exercise

Let’s try it, right now. Think of a current tough conversation you need to have in the near future. What may trigger the other person’s sense that their emotional safety is violated? What would you say in response?
Formulate the up-front-contrasting statement:

Possible reason they may feel safety is at risk: __________________.

I don’t want___________________.

I do want_____________________.

Contrasting has many uses

Contrasting is a powerful tool you can use, not just to re-enter a difficult conversation, but mid-conversation (if a person has taken offense), or even before you speak (if you know the other person well enough to predict how they’ll react to a message).