If you’re overwhelmed, take a break

When a conversation gets serious, and safety is at risk, it’s easy to go on offense or defense, resorting or silence or violence to defend our egos. But, there is an alternative approach. It takes practice and skill, but there is a way to remain in dialogue with people who are different.

Here’s a scenario.

You’ve been working hard on a project with your team, putting in late nights doing good work. You have been keeping your senior VP informed through emails, but haven’t heard so much as a peep from her. Near the end of the project, she asks to see your work and you start showing her the progress.

And out of nowhere, she tells you that it’s “all wrong” and starts giving new information that you never had, sending the project back to square one.

With this “swoop and poop,” you’re seething. Your head is spinning and your heart is going to explode.

You want to rip into the VP. You’re embarrassed to go back to the team. You’re frustrated that now you have to re-do so much work, and all this could have been avoided if she had just read your emails.

Only the most skilled at conversation can adapt on the fly. It’s near impossible to remind yourself of mutual respect when you’re overwhelmed with emotion.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself permission to step out, get re-grounded, and refocus yourself on a mutual purpose.

You don’t need anyone else’s permission. Give it to yourself.

You can say, something like:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment and am not able to communicate the way I want. I do want to finish this conversation, but need to take a break.”

Or

“I need to take a break. Give me a few minutes to collect myself, and I’ll be right back.”

If you can’t own your emotions and choices in the moment, you’re not going to be able to communicate in the way you chose to.

Step out if you have to, but do two things.

Make it about you

When communicating your need to step out of a conversation, it’s vital to make it about your needs, and nothing else.

If you put the blame for your emotions on the other person, you will jeopardize their safety. (Yes, even if this person has power over you, you can still put them on the defensive).

If in our scenario above, you were to say, “I’ve been sending you emails for weeks about this! Haven’t you been reading them?” what would the VP’s feelings and needs become in that moment?

This is why we use language like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” or “I need to collect myself….”

I’ll be back

Secondly, when stepping out of a difficult conversation, it’s vital to make clear it that you intend to return.

When people terminate a conversation, it’s received as a sign of disrespect. Simply let the other person that you want to continue the conversation when you’re in a better frame of mind.

“I’ll be back when…” or “Can we discuss this later” or “Can we discuss this in private?”

So many of us are scared to show our emotions, fearful that it will be seen as a sign of weakness to not be able to perform like a movie star in the moment. Life doesn’t work that way.

The best communicators are able to monitor themselves and use that self-awareness, plus the tool of time, to regain composure when overwhelmed.