Receiving appreciation

In the previous two tips, I discussed meaningful praise and a formula for expressing appreciation. For many of us, however, receiving appreciation can be far more difficult than giving it.

We may fret over whether we deserve it, or worry about what’s going to be expected of us after the praise (especially if our manager uses praise as a motivator). Sometimes, we’re just nervous about living up to the appreciation. 

There is, however, a way to receive appreciation with empathy, for other person and ourselves.

First, let’s recognize false humility, pridefulness in disguise. We practice false humility when we intentionally devalue ourselves or our contributions in an attempt to appear humble. 

Bestselling author Marianne Williamson has said, “There’s nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people don’t feel insecure around you.”

Secondly, let’s also recognize the paradox that despite our unease, most of us yearn to be genuinely recognized and appreciated, especially at work. The key word here is “genuinely.” Too often, praise in the workplace is manipulative “stroking” for purposes other than celebrating someone’s contributions. 

It can take some skill, but if you’re serious about building relationships and improving your communication skills, you can dig into someone’s compliment and help them express it in terms of the formula I shared yesterday, except now, it’s reversed to: what you did, how they felt, and what needs of theirs were fulfilled.

Here’s an example:

“John, you’re a great trainer!”

“I appreciate that. So I can understand what I’m doing well, can you tell me what I did specifically that helped you?”

“Well you’re just so articulate.” (Note how John asked for an observation and received an evaluation).

“Again, thank you, but that’s just a judgment that still leaves me wondering how I helped you.”

[Thinking] “Well, before today’s lesson, I never thought about why receiving appreciation was so difficult for me, but now I know it doesn’t have to be.”

“That’s great! Would you mind sharing how you feel about it now?”

“Well, I feel hopeful, and kind of relieved.”

“And what needs of yours are being met with the learning you received from today’s lesson?”

“Well, I think I’ll now be better able to celebrate my accomplishments.”

By asking other people to clarify their praise of you, not only are you learning how to improve, but you’re also enabling the other person to connect with you on a deep human level.