Open with gratitude, mutual objectives, and vulnerability

A coaching client recently received a very long email from his boss with a laundry list of changes she wanted him to make. It explained in great detail how she wanted him to do things. What files to put where, how to name them…really in the weeds.

The employee threw his hands saying she was micromanaging him, and didn't appreciate what he’s bringing to the partnership. He wanted advice on how to handle the conversation.

We dug deeper into the boss’s needs and style, as well as his own blind spots.

The boss is a very detailed person, very process oriented, and exacting. In the language of DiSC, she is a C-Style (Conscientious) communicator. Such people can have a psychological need for understanding the details completely, adhering to standards, and to be blameless. This is why they spend so much time “getting it right.”

On the other hand, the employee was an “i” or Influence style communicator. He has a need for recognition, optimism, and action (among others). He’s much more in the moment, figuring things out as he goes.

After taking time to think about what needs the boss was fulfilling with the seemingly critical email, the employee came to reframe his thinking. He realized that it was actually an expression of support, just not the kind of support he needed.

He wanted recognition, but the boss wanted precision, and she took the time to explain (in a very detailed way) how to get there. In her mind, she was helping.

I said, if you come at her for micromanaging, how do you think that will affect the relationship? Will you get your needs met (aside from just venting)?

We decided to lead with gratitude, mutual objectives and vulnerability. Here’s what he opened the conversation with:

“I appreciate you taking the time and effort to help me get this right. I want to do the best I can for you and the job. Can I share something that would help me?”

The conversation was off to a great start, and the boss was in a position to listen.