On Toxic Positivity

Have you heard the phrase “toxic positivity?” It describes a scenario when friends, family, co-workers, social followers, etc. respond to our pain, disappointment, or struggle with hyper-positive sayings or canned phrases like:

"Think positive!” 

“Don’t worry, be happy!”

“Everything will work out in the end!”

 “Look for the silver lining.”

“Failure is not an option.”

“It could be worse.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Pick your cliché. 

The Psychology Group defines toxic positivity as “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations,” but the effect is to actually deny, minimize, or invalidate authentic human emotional experience.

Writer Catherine Renton wrote in Elle Magazine about her experience telling friends that her mom was diagnosed with cancer: 

When I tried to talk about my mom's prognosis, my feelings were swept aside with statements like, "Everything will be OK!" and "Sending good vibes!" I know that no one really knows what to say at times like this, but I felt like I was being gaslit...by speaking in clichés instead of taking the time to listen, they made me feel my pain was abnormal or wrong. 

The writer shares the antidote to toxic positivity, saying that “accepting negative emotions, rather than dismissing them, may be more beneficial for a person's mental health in the long run.” 

A 2018 study funded by the National Institutes of Health reported that, “Individuals differ in the degree to which they tend to habitually accept their emotions and thoughts without judging them--a process here referred to as habitual acceptance. Acceptance has been linked with greater psychological health, which we propose may be due to the role acceptance plays in negative emotional responses to stressors: acceptance helps keep individuals from reacting to-and thus exacerbating-their negative mental experiences.” 

Or, as Carl Jung said, “I’d rather be whole than good.”

 This is all very much in line with what we teach at the Confident Communicator, except for one important aspect. 

Yes, we must feel our feelings. This is our source of personal understanding and power. I have written often about how emotions are signposts that uncover unmet human needs, the driving force in all interactions. 

But, the part I take issue with is the thought that “they made me feel my pain was abnormal or wrong” (emphasis mine).

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg calls this “denial of responsibility” language, saying that it is life alienating, because it “clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.” In his estimate, this makes us dangerous, to ourselves, and others. 

He encourages us to replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice. 

We do this by expressing our feelings and needs. 

The “they made me feel” phrase could be recast as: “...had they taken the time to listen, I would have felt comforted at a time when I needed closeness and consideration.”

While others may trigger our emotions, after that happens, we have agency over our thoughts and feelings. We have the power within ourselves to realize that our friends and family are trying to support us. We can recognize their intent and translate “toxic positivity” into human connection.