Judgments separate
What’s the fastest way to cause someone to go to silence or violence?
Judgments separate us.
Rather than saying, “You’re procrastinating again,” you could say, “For the past three exams, you only studied the night before.”
Judgments are the stories we lay on top of our observations. In the above example, procrastinating is your interpretation (a story you’re telling), not an observable fact.
True or not, the judgmental language will simply put the other person on the defensive and block their ability to hear you.
Observations are specific to time and context. A detective or reporter could verify them as facts. Delivered neutrally, they are less likely to put someone on the defensive because they’re less likely to make someone feel judged.
Which of these statements are judgments, and which are observations of fact?
John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.
This is a judgment. John might have been feeling angry, or hurt, or scared, or something else. An example of observation without judgment might be: “John told me he was angry,” or “John pounded his fist on the table.”
Yesterday evening Nancy bit her fingernails while watching television.
This is an observation without an evaluation or judgment mixed in.
Sam didn't ask for my opinion during the meeting.
This is an observation without an evaluation or judgment mixed in.
My father is a good man.
This is a judgment. “Good” is an evaluation. An observation without judgment might be: “For the last 25 years, my father has given 10% of his salary to charity.”
Janice works too much.
This is a judgment. “Too much” is an evaluation. An observation without judgment might be: “Janice spent more than sixty hours in the office this week.”
Henry is aggressive.
This is a judgment. “Aggressive” is an evaluation. An observation without judgment might be: “Henry hit his sister when she changed the TV channel.”
Pam was first in line every day this week.
This is an observation without an evaluation mixed in.
My son often doesn't brush his teeth.
This is a judgment. “Often” is an evaluation. An observation without judgment might be: “Twice this week, my son didn’t brush his teeth before going to bed.”
Luke told me I didn't look good in yellow.
This is an observation without an evaluation mixed in.
My aunt complains when I talk with her.
This is a judgment. “Complains” is an evaluation. An observation without judgment might be: “My aunt called me three times this week, and each time she talked about people who treated her in ways she didn’t like.”
