How to remain confident in your beliefs while opening to others’ truths

Recent Daily Tips have discussed strategies for staying in dialogue when things get tough. We have covered taking a break if you need to collect yourself, recognizing the stories you tell yourself, and our most common stories. Now, it’s time to move ahead and speak your truth, respectfully.

To illustrate, let’s return to the example of Maria and Louis, who had prepared to give an important presentation together, only to have Louis dominate in front of a group of male executives. Maria became upset, telling herself “He doesn’t trust my abilities. He thinks that because I’m a woman, the male executives won’t listen to me.”

(Please note, this post is not about who is right or wrong, but how Maria can use her own power to get her needs met).

Had Maria stuck to the observable facts, rather than believing the story in her head was the only plausible reason for Louis’s behavior, she would have been better to speak to him about his behavior.

The conversation may have gone like this:

Louis, can we talk about what just happened in there?

Sure.

I have to say I was frustrated when you spoke over me. I wanted to contribute too.

[Awkward silence from Louis]

I was thinking it was because you didn’t think I had the ability to convince the executives. Is that what’s happening here?

No, no, no. That’s not it at all. It was that John told me the execs had already heard about our idea for the marketing plan and didn’t like the fact that it was so expensive. I just didn’t have time to tell you and had to avoid that entire part of the presentation.

I appreciate that, but I’m still frustrated. My need to contribute and be seen as competent by the male executives was not being met in there.

Yes. I get that.

What can we do so that next time, we can contribute together, as equal partners?

In a very short time, Maria did something masterful. She managed to be confident in her conclusions, while also being open to other stories.

By not speaking in absolutes or overstated terms, she kept Lous from feeling attacked or ashamed, allowing them to find a mutual objective, together.

• She wasn’t too soft: “This is probably stupid but…”

• She wasn’t too hard: “You don’t think I’m capable?”

• She didn’t pile it on: “You don’t think I’m capable? Is that it?

• She was just right: “I was thinking it was because...Is that what’s happening here?”

Use that last example as a formula to help you hold your beliefs while remaining in dialogue.