Feelings are dashboards

Some people will tell you to “keep your emotions out of it” or “it doesn’t matter how you feel” or “don’t take things personally.” You’ve probably read books that tell you to “manage your emotions so they don’t manage you.”

But when we deal with other people, we’re dealing with emotions…theirs and ours.

If we want to become confident communicators, we need to understand how emotions work in ourselves and others and use this understanding to our advantage.

We often brush off our emotions, lock them up, fight them, or get overwhelmed by them. Or we blame others for being too emotional.

But here’s the thing. Feelings are dashboards into your very real human needs. They’re signals.

If you can allow yourself to breathe and feel what you’re feeling, in the moment of the conversation, your body can tell you more about your needs, and other people’s needs, than your brain ever will.

Emotions like comfort, relief, and stimulation are telling you that some needs are being met, in that moment. Emotions like nervousness, annoyance, and confusion, are signaling to you that a real need is not being met, in that moment.

It looks like this…

Find out what that unmet need is, and you’ll know how to proceed.

So the next time you feel yourself getting emotional, or sense the other person is, take a quick pause, breathe, and ask yourself: what am I feeling and what am I needing (or what is the other person feeling and needing) right now?

This is empathy.