Don’t ask questions when you need to make a statement

After raising a family, a husband asks his wife: “Why do you have to go back to school? You have enough to keep you busy.”

Woah.

What a loaded statement, disguised as a question.

Maybe what he meant was: “If you go back to school, I’m worried I won’t see you enough and be lonely.”

Or maybe: “If you gain independence, I’ll feel less control over our lives.”

When we try to communicate indirectly in this way, burying what we really feel and need in a question instead of making a clear, direct statement, we cause confusion, increase the chances of misinterpretation, and create a disconnect with the people in our lives.

A life partner says: “Do you really think we need to make an appearance at your boss’s barbeque?” instead of saying: “I need to relax and would rather spend time gardening.”

A daughter says to her father: “Are we going to have that little three-foot Christmas tree again this year?”

A father says to his son: “How much did that paint job cost?”

What messages do you hide inside questions?
Adapted from Messages, The Communications Skills book, by Dr. Matthew McKay.