Demands stress everybody out

After judgment and denial of responsibility, the third type of language that separates us from others is the use of demands to express our desires.

“This is important to me. You need to care about this.”

“Give me one reason why I should.”

“You have to attend school until you’re 16.”

“If you don’t _______, I’m going to _______.”

“Stop yelling!”

“Just let her be herself, will you?”

“You need to show more respect for my privacy.”

“You need to get this done, or I’ll have to put you on a performance plan.”

Demands implicitly or explicitly threaten someone with blame or punishment if they fail to comply, a very common way people in our culture communicate, especially people in positions of authority.

Think about how you feel when someone demands something of you.

Remember that meaning is created by how a person receives our words, regardless of what we mean. It’s all too easy for others to interpret our requests as demands.

When people think we are relying on force, hierarchy, or threats of punishment to enforce our will, they are less likely to see how what we are saying will benefit them.

This is because when people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion.

Silence or violence. Not continued dialogue.

The lack of a perceived choice can lead to passive resistance, subterfuge, gossip, clamming up, etc. -- the core challenge for many teams and organizations.

The person making the “demand” is seen as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately is diminished.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg tells us that we all pay for such tactics: “To the degree that people in our lives have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage into every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in any request.”

This is, in part, why so many people are sensitive to constructive criticism, resentful of leaders, and incapable of “playing nice.”

Fortunately, as Confident Communicators, we can help others trust us more by ensuring we are not perceived as making demands of them.

This does not have to come at the expense of getting our needs met, compliance, or team productivity – and it can include consequences.

Ensuring our requests are not heard as demands requires more than simply asking nicely. Much depends on how we ask and what happens after the request. For example:

“Alfonso, we have discussed this several times, and I have been clear that I want you to check your emails for errors. When your emails have errors, our client comes back to me questioning the quality of our work.”

“I know! I tried! What do you want me to do!!!!”

“At this point, there needs to be a consequence, because this behavior ends here. What do you think would be appropriate, and how would you like me to hold you accountable?”

You may be saying, “I don’t care how they feel. When I tell someone to do something, they should just do it!”

To this, I ask: do you really want the people in your life to take action to meet your needs at the expense of their own? To take actions they are not inspired or motivated to take?

Or would you prefer they understand how making changes contributes to their own success?

A team filled with the latter will generally be more productive, loyal, and inspired.