Confronting someone
Confrontation is uncomfortable. Here are some approaches to make it easier.
When to confront?
Confident communicators confront others only after they have given honest feedback and made clear requests. If you haven’t communicated to someone how you want them to change their behavior, a confrontation is premature.
Choose the right format
This is simple but takes guts. Don’t hide behind a screen. Confrontation is always best face to face, without a desk or object between you. Remain open. If this isn’t possible, use Zoom or a phone. Never confront by text or email, or What’s App, or in group settings. Ever!
Set your intent
“Confrontation” and “conversation” both start with the same Latin prefix “con-” which means “with.”
You can confront someone more easily if you approach it as a conversation.
Set your intent to explain your version of reality before listening to theirs.
Know your fear
I once coached a client on confronting a work colleague. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, giving many excuses: “He’s higher up than me in the organization. He might get mad. It will reflect poorly on me because I’m a woman.”
Yes, there are no guarantees.
But if an aggressive dog walks into a room, and you are afraid, it’s not the dog that scared you. It’s your belief that scared you. If you were the dog's owner, or a professional dog handler, you wouldn't be scared.
Make an opening statement
No doubt about it, the hardest part is getting started.
In fact, how many difficult conversations have you had that were resolved before the conversation was even over?
Here’s a formula from Fierce Conversations, by Susan Scott to get you going:
Name the issue
Cite a specific example
Describe your emotions about the example
Clarify what’s at stake
Identify your contribution to the problem
Indicate your wish to resolve the issue
Invite your partner to respond
This opener should be quick and concise, less than one minute. Then you should shut up and listen.
Position the confrontation as “I want to talk with you” as opposed to “I want to talk to you,” and everything that follows will be easier.
