But what if they still don’t do it?

A workshop participant recently asked me, what if I say everything right, and the other person still doesn’t do want I want?

Similarly, a friend called me for advice for an upcoming conversation he knew would not go his way. saying, “this is going to be a train-wreck.”

It’s at moments like this I realize that sometimes people put high expectations on themselves, as if they should be like the Tom cruise character in Jerry Maguire, or some fictitious salesman from the Boiler Room, or the Wolf of Wall Street, who can convince anyone of anything.

But the world doesn’t work that way. The reality is that much of the time, other people are not going to see things your way. 

So what can you do, if you’ve tried and aren’t able to get someone to see things your way?

Instead of persuasion, try seeking connection.

Connection with the other person, but also connection with yourself.

We do this by maintaining empathy, the ability to recognize and share emotions.

As readers of this blog know, empathy comes from understanding not just emotions, but the underlying human needs, values, and desires that create our feelings.

My response to the workshop participant and my friend is the same: clarify your intent before going into difficult conversations, and not just for what you want for the outcome of the conversation, but for the relationship as well. 

If the expectation to convince is not realistic, you could make your goal for the relationship to remain in dialogue, even if you disagree. 

This can change your entire mindset, energy, and what you project.

When you’re able to stay grounded, you can express your position without contaminating your message. 

You can say what you mean clearly as your truth, while acknowledging the other person’s humanity. 

When we do this skillfully, we can influence the other person to do the same, just by what we project. 

And by remaining in dialogue, we maintain the flow of conversation beyond the disagreement or frustration.