Avoid the blame game

Can we agree that reality is complex, and that we are limited by what our senses are capable of receiving and what our brain is capable of processing? If we can agree to this, then we can agree to the fact that in every situation, we can’t possibly know everything. If this is all true, then it should be clear why we should avoid the blame game.

Most people point the finger.

“He did it.”

“She didn’t do it.”

“It’s their fault.”

“I should have known better.”

But fault-finding provokes self-defense mechanisms, making debate and resolution much, much more difficult.

I experienced this recently, working with a junior designer on a web design project, where I was the writer and project manager. There was tension made worse by the pressure of a tight schedule. I asked the designer when she would have the next round of designs, so I could provide my feedback before sharing with the client, and she responded with:

“As I said previously, which was very clear, I will give you the designs Tuesdays, and you will share them with the client on Wednesdays. If they are late getting to the client, depends on if you have approved them or not.”

Wow, pre-emptive blame. Great for team relationships.

I had to take a breath before responding. I thought about what I needed (collaboration) and what she probably was experiencing (fear), as well as what I wanted for the relationship and project (respect, clear communication, a quality product).

It would have been easy for me to react, or lash out, or protect my ego, but I wanted her to see that we were a team, that I wouldn’t throw her under the bus, and that the designs needed to meet a higher standard.

I responded with: “Thank you for clarifying how you understood our conversation. My understanding was that this was the arrangement for the first week, but not for every week. Would you be open to discussing this again and coming to a new agreement on timing? I believe we can work together to make this faster and more efficient for you, as well as me.”

It was important to move away from the blame game and focus on mutual objectives.

In Fierce Conversations, Kim Scott says, “In any situation, the person who can most accurately describe reality without laying blame will emerge as the leader, whether designated or not.”