An alternative to punishment and reward

Much of our language is violent in the sense that we rely on blame, shame, guilt, power-over, or unspoken threats when trying to change other people’s behavior. These forms of communication have unseen repercussions on relationships and group dynamics.

Here are two questions that help us see alternatives to relying on punishment and reward when trying to change people’s behavior.

Question 1

What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing?

I recently coached an executive on giving annual reviews.

Knowing that most people are eager for constructive feedback delivered non-judgmentally and that most managerial feedback isn’t all that helpful, I asked the executive to describe three “start behaviors” and three “stop behaviors” she wanted each team member to change.

She easily came up with observable behaviors to change, such as: I want you to start asking me for feedback halfway through small projects, and I want you to stop presuming John is out to get you.

However, on its own, this question would not make her aware of the deleterious tactics of using her power over the employee’s paycheck to get what she wanted out of them.

Question 2

What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg tells us that, “We seldom address this second question, but when we do, we soon realize that punishment and reward interfere with people’s ability to do things motivated by the reasons we’d like them to have.”

If you order a child to clean her room, the room may be clean, but her acting out of fear of upsetting a parent will not foster autonomy and interdependence. She will be unlikely to acknowledge responsibility for her actions or become aware that her own well-being and that of others are not one and the same.

Returning to the executive’s annual reviews, what life-affirming reasons might the employees have for changing their behavior, other than the reward of a bonus or promotion and the punishment of being put on a performance plan or passed over for promotion?

When the executive asked herself what she wanted each person’s reasons to be, she thought of several: to fulfill the need of contributing to the team (interdependence), the opportunity to do their best work (creativity), to be trusted, etc.

While you may be saying to yourself, “I’m not going there with my team,” leaders who want people to “bring their whole selves to work” should find other ways to resolve differences than punitive force.

You can start doing this by asking yourself both “What change do I want?” and “What do I want the person’s reason to be?”

I find that these questions help me clarify my intent before every request.