A New Year’s Resolution

Let’s be honest, we spent the last year, all of us, in a world of judgments. A world where our language was filled with accusations, classifications, and dichotomizing people for their beliefs and actions. 

We all did it, retreating into our news and social media echo-chambers and safe bubbles of like-minded social circles.

We got upset when someone disagreed with us. 

We may even have become furious, hateful, confused, and distressed by something we read, or heard. 

Throughout 2020, we were preoccupied with labeling who was bad/good, normal/abnormal, responsible/irresponsible, smart/ignorant, etc.

Since we were children, we were taught to communicate in this way, in a highly impersonal way that didn’t require us to confront or reveal what was going on beneath the surface. 

When I encountered behavior I didn’t like or understand, I would blame people for their wrongness.

Teachers became “mean” for assigning work I didn’t like.

If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, he became an “idiot.” 

If my partner wanted more attention, she became “needy” or if I wanted more attention, she became “insensitive.”

If my boss was more concerned about details than I was, she became a micromanager, or “picky.” If she was less concerned with details, I label her “disorganized.” 

This way of expressing ourselves, by determining levels of someone else’s wrongness, may protect our egos, but when we stop and think about it, these analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values. 

When you label your boss a micromanager, that’s an expression that you need more autonomy. 

When you call a driver an idiot, you’re really saying, “I am not feeling safe in this car right now.”

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg says that expressing ourselves by analyzing others is “tragic,” because it increases our defensiveness and resistance, often with the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.

My resolution this year is to pay closer attention to my use of this language and adopt healthier ways to express my needs.