Why do you feel the need?

“Why do you feel the need to put me down?”

“Why do you feel the need to rub it in?”

“Why do you feel the need to…”

This is a dangerous phrase for us to use, even if we feel justified.

First, it conflates feelings and needs. A feeling is an emotion, a signal to let us know what we need. Feelings come in two flavors:

• When our needs are being filled, such as amazed, comfortable, confident, eager, hopeful, moved, optimistic, stimulated, thankful, trusting…

• And when our needs are not being fulfilled, such as angry, annoyed, concerned, confused, disappointed, embarrassed, distressed, helpless, impatient, lonely, overwhelmed, reluctant, sand, uncomfortable…

With a rich vocabulary describing our emotions, we can connect to ourselves, others, and situations. In the words of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, we connect more fully to life.

When we don’t convolute feelings and needs, we can use those feelings to understand what we actually do need, such as autonomy, celebration, integrity, interdependence, nurturance, play, and connection.

We don’t feel a need. We feel what we feel, so we understand what we need.

Secondly, the phrase “why do you feel the need to…” is an accusation, a judgment, an evaluation. It’s not an observation.

Judgments will ramp the other person up. Plain, just-the-facts observations will keep them in dialogue.

Because you’re layering your interpretation on and assuming you know the other person’s motivation, you’ll automatically put them on the defensive and ratchet up the emotion of the conversation.

Rather than say “why do you feel the need to…” You could instead say, “I’m sensing you need…is that correct?”

You’ll be more likely to keep the other person in dialogue.