What a boundary isn’t, and what it is.

The easiest way for me to clarify that a boundary isn’t really about changing the other person, but about using your personal power to set limits on what you’ll tolerate, is to talk about narcissists, who don’t respect boundaries.

People with excessive interest or admiration of themselves are tough to deal with.

You could say something like “You can’t speak to me like that!” but the narcissists among us may act hurt, say you’re punishing them, or somehow try to make you feel like you’re the one being rude.

This isn’t a boundary.

Even a statement like, “Please don’t speak to me like that” isn’t a boundary.

A boundary isn’t a command as to what the other person can or can’t do.

You can’t control other people. You can only control yourself. And there’s more power in that than you may realize.

A boundary is about what you will do if they continue their behavior.

The other person doesn’t need to agree with your boundary in order for you to enforce it.

This is why it works with narcissists, who aren’t going to listen anyway.

A boundary might sound like: “If you yell or call me names, I'm going to leave the conversation for 30 minutes.”

This isn’t about controlling them at all.

We don't have control over what they say or do.

But, we should always have control over our responses and our reactions, as well as how much access of ourselves we decide to give to another person.

This is personal power.

Narcissists have no capacity for mutual respect, consideration, or empathy.

The question isn't: do boundaries work on a narcissist? That answer is clear.

The question is: how much of my time, energy, and attention am I going to give to someone who has no desire for safety, connection, or reciprocation?

The ultimate example of a boundary is going no contact. They don't have to agree with it for you to enforce it.