Translating the 4 D’s

As we have seen all this month, our words can unite us or disconnect us. It’s your choice.

Here’s an exercise to translate the life-alienating language in “the 4 D’s” we have been discussing -- Demands, Deserve, Diagnosis, and Denial of Responsibility.

When we use the 4D’s, we are less likely to inspire compassion, cooperation, or connection.

Take a moment to identify which of the 4D’s are at work in the statements below, and rewrite them using language that will be less likely to alienate the listener.

Note how the revised statements all rely on feelings and needs rather than blame, guilt, shame, or coercion.

“You need to get this report to the client by Friday morning.”

This is a demand, and could be restated as: If you can get this report to the client by Friday, it will help build his trust in our ability to deliver.

“They made me sit through that stupid two-hour meeting.”

This is denial of responsibility. All thoughts, feelings, and actions are a choice. Yes, choices have consequences, but no one controls us but ourselves. It could be restated as: I sat through that 2-hour meeting because I wanted my boss to know I was a team player.

“Whoever made him Vice President was an idiot.”

Wow, this one uses deserve language (he doesn’t deserve to be VP) as well as diagnosis (idiot). It could better inspire connection as: I don’t think it was a smart decision to make him Vice President because…

“You are driving me crazy with all your questions!”

This is denial of responsibility. No one is responsible for our emotions but us. True, others’ actions may influence a reaction in us, but it’s our thoughts and interpretations that create emotions. The speaker could show more integrity by expressing their feelings and needs, as: I am feeling irritated right now because I don’t think I’m being supported.

“He is incompetent.”

This is a diagnosis, a form of judgment that creates a division between people and teams. A more productive way to say this would be something like: He creates re-work for the team when he doesn’t clarify for himself what he wants us to do.

The ability to recognize and translate the 4D’s can influence and motivate others, not by guilt or shame, but by inspiration and connection.

Thank you for reading this month’s posts on typical, terrible influence strategies. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.