The Three Conversations

Ever wonder why so many conversations generate such strong emotions?

The meaning of a conversation is rarely on the surface level, the content. Most of the meaning happens below the tip of the iceberg, on the emotional level.

In his insightful book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg says that whenever we speak, we're actually participating in not just one, but three, conversations: the practical, the emotional, and the social. All at the same time!

The Practical Conversation

The practical conversation is where we’re asking ourselves, "What's this really about?" Is this really about my coming in late this morning? Or how I called you out in that meeting? Is this about your need for control? What’s really going on here?

The Emotional Conversation

The emotional conversation is where we are both trying to figure out how we feel about the conversation, the situation, and the other person. Like it or not, emotions play a crucial role in how we communicate and interpret information.

The Social Conversation

The social conversation is about identity. It's where we consider, "Who are we to each other?" This level is influenced by our social roles and relationships. In any conversation, two dynamics are constantly in flux: power and proximity. On this level, we’re both trying to figure out the shifting power dynamics and how close or far apart we are from each other.

When you help your listener(s) answer these questions – such as with an agenda, apology, or contrasting – you help them answer these below-the-surface questions so they can become better listeners.