The moment the conversation turns

In an instant, a conversation can turn into something else, something important, something with an impact, or maybe a disagreement with the potential to interfere with a relationship.

Being able to identify that moment when something shifts -- in real-time -- can help you be a more confident communicator.

According to the authors of Crucial Conversations, Tools for Talking When The Stakes Are High, “People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety.”

When a conversation turns “crucial,” it’s your signal to monitor both yourself and the other person closely.

How can you identify this moment?

First, of course, pay attention to the content, the words that are being said, but also watch tone and body language.

When people sense their emotional safety is at risk, they will go to silence or violence. You may notice someone forcing their ideas into the conversation, or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the conversation.

Fight or flight.

Both are motivated by the same emotion, fear.

This means that people don’t become defensive simply because of what it being said, but because they no longer feel safe.

It’s not just the content, but the conditions of the conversation that can cause it to turn.

From the time we were small, we were taught that you can’t be honest and respectful at the same time, and that there are some messages we just can’t give to some people.

Terrible advice.

You can make both yourself and the other person feel safe during tough conversations if you’re aware of what’s happening. Keep a sharp eye out for that moment when emotional safety is at risk, not just in the other person, but in yourself as well.