The impact of our words

Every one of us has been on the receiving end of a lot of criticism, from our parents, teachers, past bosses, and even (especially?) from ourselves.

Every single one of us has been spoken to in hurtful ways over and over and over again throughout our lives. From a young age, we are told things like:

• Big boys don’t get frightened.

• Why can’t you be more like your sister?

• Get a job, loser.

• If you’re not here to learn, you should leave.

• If you love mommy, you would eat your dinner.

• You can’t be a doctor!

• They suck.

• How could I be so stupid? (Yes, we even use judgmental language against ourselves)

Judgments are embedded in our language, and language influences thoughts, emotions, and reactions.

In the language of judgment, our concern becomes “who is what.”

By the way, when I use the word judgment, I’m talking about moralistic judgments, which imply wrongness or badness, as opposed to value judgments, which express the qualities we value, such as honesty or freedom, and reflect how we think life can be served.

We make moralistic judgments of people who fail to support our value judgments.

Judgment is the language of violence.

Judgment classifies and dichotomizes people.

Judgments separate us from each other (and even from our true selves).

When we come across people we don’t like or understand, we tend to immediately react in terms of their wrongness.

When this happens, our attention is focused on what’s wrong with others, instead of focusing on what we or they need.

If a colleague is more attentive to details than I am, she becomes “picky”...in my mind.

On the other hand, if I’m more attentive to details, she becomes “sloppy and disorganized”…to me.

What we may not realize is that when we judge others, we are expressing our own needs and values.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg tells us this is tragic because when we express our values and needs through judgments, we increase defensiveness and resistance from the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.

Or, if people do agree with our judgmental analysis of them, they will likely comply out of fear, guilt, shame, or because they agree with their wrongness.

Everyone pays dearly when people respond to our needs, not out of a desire to give from the heart, but because of fear, guilt, or shame.

I’m not saying we should, or even can, remain completely objective when thinking about people.

I’m saying that we should cultivate the ability to separate between our observations and judgments/evaluations.

Why?

Because no one likes to be judged.

People hear judgment as criticism, which is a threat to their emotional safety. No matter how you meant it.

When we use judgments when communicating, others are less likely to hear what we need.