Rewrite Your Hidden Agendas
In yesterday’s Daily Tip, we discussed the eight hidden agendas, and I gave an exercise to identify when you’re using them. If you’re beginning to notice that an important relationship is dominated by one of the agendas, you may want to take one of these four actions.
Let the other person know you’ve discovered that you’ve been using a hidden agenda. Eg: “I realize I’m always trying to make myself out as some kind of hero, but I’m going to try to take a break from that” or “I may always make myself out as helpless, but I don’t really think that way about myself.”
Keep track of your hidden agendas with that person, to yourself. Use the card from yesterday to track when you’re doing it. Awareness is the first step to change.
Give yourself a reward when you notice and don’t use a hidden agenda.
If you’re stuck, practice a new position. Try to do this out loud, with a safe partner (or in a workshop).
Here is some language you can adopt, for each of the eight hidden agendas:
“I’m good” might become: “I have both strengths and weaknesses and am working on shaping all aspects of myself”.
“I’m good and you’re not” might become: “I don’t need to tear you down to build me up.”
“You’re good, but I’m not” might become: “I am out of the business of complaining.”
“I’m helpless / I suffer” might become: “Life comes with both pleasure and pain, and I can share both sides of myself.”
“I’m blameless” might become: “Nobody’s perfect. Sometimes my decisions will affect others and that’s OK.”
“I’m fragile" might become: “While it scares me when someone is upset, I can try to listen to it.”
“I’m tough” might become: “I can relax and people will still like me.”
“I know it all” might become: “I can listen and ask questions. There are interesting things to discover.”
The idea is to take your hidden agenda and flip it. Using simple self instructions, or mantras, you can give yourself something to say to yourself in situations that usually trigger your agendas.
Self awareness is the start of more confident communication.
Source: Adapted from Messages, by Dr. Matthew McKay, et. al.
