Responding to criticism

Receiving criticism can feel like rejection. We’re taught as children that criticism is a put-down, from a higher authority like parents, teachers, siblings, or friends. Power plays were involved, and being wrong was often equated with being bad. 

Each time you were criticized, you probably learned to feel bad about yourself. You may even have learned self-criticism and used it to bludgeon yourself until you felt guilty. 

I know I have. 

This is why most of us respond to criticism with aggression or passivity. Silence or violence. 

When we react with violence, we may verbally blow up, or bring up old sins to fault our critic, as with: 

“I’m cheap?? You bought a whole new wardrobe last fall then gained 15 pounds and couldn’t wear any of it!”

You can hear the words coming out of your mouth like it’s not even connected to your brain. 

Others respond to criticism with silence. 

Some people may “get even” by “forgetting” dates, or procrastinating, or going too slow, or being silent, or whining, or using other tactics to irritate the critic. 

People who go to silence might apologize (“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it), or rationalize (“Stop being so sensitive”). 

They may even hold in their anger or hurt, which is a good way to get depressed or develop physical symptoms. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg famously said that “Depression is the reward we get for being ‘good’.” 

Let that sink in.

So how can we respond to criticism, not with silence or violence, but with respectful assertiveness?

This week, the 2-Minute Tip will cover three effective strategies: acknowledgment, clouding, and probing.