Regulate my emotions?
On blogs, in business books, and from coaches, I often hear the advice to “regulate” your emotions. I think this is hard to do and counterproductive advice.
While I agree that being aware of emotions is vital to effective communication, I am wary of advice that tells us just to forcibly control our feelings.
PositivePsychology.com defines emotion regulation as “the process of controlling one’s emotions, keeping them in balance and away from extremes.”
From my experience, when we try to control our emotions, most people end up stuffing them down, hiding from them, or employing unhealthy strategies that lead to resentment and rebellion.
Dag Hammarskjold, the former United Nations Secretary-General, once said, “The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what’s happening outside.”
It is my belief that when we tightly “control” our emotions, it makes it more difficult for us to understand what’s happening in a situation and to empathize.
From my perspective, it’s more productive to actually feel our emotions, and experience them with some detachment and perspective, just a little bit of space, so they can run their course, inform us of our needs, and connect us with ourselves and other people.
In our workshops, we don’t teach controlling of emotions, but instead, we teach how to name, monitor, and use them. I believe this is much easier, healthier, and long-term effective, than trying to control our emotions.
Build an emotional vocabulary
Here is an inventory of emotions. How many of them do you use to name what you’re feeling while you’re feeling them?
When we are aware of our emotions, we can use them. The best definition I have heard of an emotion is a physical representation of a thought.
When we conceptualize emotions, not as something to be controlled, but as signals from our body, we can understand what unmet, underlying, human needs we are experiencing.
This is the key to staying present, grounded, and (how I define) in control during difficult conversations.
Develop the skill before you need it
If you want to become better at naming emotions as they arise, and detaching from them so they don’t control you, I suggest starting with these meditations from the Buddhify meditation app.
Naming emotions (4 minutes) - When we are able to name thoughts and emotions relatively neutrally, we avoid getting caught up in their power.
Accepting emotions (9 minutes) - An important meditation technique in which we learn to name our thoughts and emotions to avoid getting caught up in them.
Detaching from emotions (12.5 minutes) - Use the acronym RAIN to Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Not Attach to your emotions.
Experiencing emotion (8.5 minutes) - A mental exercise to explore the details of our emotions.
Staying present in the moment (10 minutes) - Use the simple question “What is happening?” to develop present moment awareness.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has said that “It is impossible for us to give something to another if we don’t have it in ourselves.” Feelings are human.
When we recognize them, allow them, and work with them, they give us empathy for ourselves and others -- making us more able to communicate the way we chose.
