How to say you’re asking too much

Some people want more than we’re willing to give. Your SO wants you to anticipate their needs. Your grandma wants you to visit her every day. Your client wants more than the contract allows. Maybe your boss wants you to work every weekend this month.

Unless we say no – and set a boundary – we may as well be saying: Sure you can continue to walk all over me.

In our Confident Communicator Program, we teach people to communicate in ways that connect, using the Me > You > Us process. First, ask yourself what you need, then ask what the other person needs, then find a mutual objective.

Applying that process to a conversation with a client might look something like this:

“We need this new addition to the report by Friday.”

[Rather than automatically agreeing because “the client is always right”] “Can we talk about that?”

“Sure, but make it quick.”

“I’m feeling nervous about this unexpected addition because our contract doesn’t include resources for it, and I need time to talk to my boss about what we can deliver.”

“Oh.”

“Are you ok with that?”

“Not really. I need this ASAP.”

“How about I get back to you today with an answer?”

“OK, I think I can live with that.”

“Great. Thanks for the flexibility. In order to understand what we can deliver, can we talk about what it is, specifically, in the report, that you absolutely must have? I want to get you what you need, but in a way that doesn’t disrupt our other work at the same time. Can we get clear on what’s a must-have and what’s a nice-to-have?”

Obviously, conversations are more complex than this, and it’s difficult in the moment to remember the Me > You > Us process (leading to mutual objectives), but that’s why we practice.

If you’re frustrated because someone is asking too much, and you haven’t set a boundary, it’s unproductive and damaging to be upset at the other person and not say anything.