How to let them know you’re connecting

Want to let someone know you’re engaged with what they’re saying, listening, connecting with them? Here’s a strategy often used by therapists and hostage negotiators.

Combine the two powerful techniques of echoing and paraphrasing. Each is effective on their own, but together they cast an irresistible bait.

Your partner starts talking. You make eye contact.

Then you echo, occasionally repeating things they just said.

Them: “...and at this point, I was really frustrated.”

You: “You were frustrated. And?”

(Don’t overdo this though. They’ll think you’re weird).

They’ve taken the bait. Now it’s time to set the hook.

Next, you paraphrase their important points:

“It seems like you’re saying…”

“What I hear you saying is…”

Or,

“Let me repeat back what I heard you say to make sure I got it right…”

Sometimes it’s not enough to just look someone in the eye and nod your head.

Sometimes, we have to show that we’re engaged.