How to connect with others in virtual settings

Some form of the virtual office and remote work platforms will remain part of office life, even as we return to our office buildings. So, how can we build connection and culture in virtual or hybrid settings? 

Let's not forget that even though we are communicating through little boxes, that humans are still tribal animals. Perhaps more than ever, we seek the comfort of groups to protect ourselves.

Some of our most basic human needs include companionship, camaraderie, interdependence, closeness, and contribution. If you start from this premise, rather than the premise that “it’s hard to connect with others online,” you’ll be in a better position to figure out how.

Start with body language

You may be thinking: how can I read someone, get their vibe, if I’m not in the room with them?

Luckily, the face and shoulders -- the parts you see on a video call or meeting -- are the most expressive area of the body.

Not only do facial expressions convey a ton of useful information, but they are more universal than body language. (Wide eyes show surprise whether you’re in Croatia or Cameroon, but a thumbs-up could get you in trouble in the Middle East.)

Just look at an advertisement. Go ahead, find one right now, and cover up the model’s body. What is the face communicating? What information do you gain? What information do you lose?

Even though you may not be able to determine what the model is doing, you can still identify feelings and attitudes.

Are the eyebrows raised or lowered? Is the forehead wrinkled?

How about the chin? Is it set or flaccid?

Try it now with covering up everything but the eyes. What can you learn about the person’s feelings and attitudes just from their eyes?

Try it with just the mouth.

Evolution has given you tremendous power to read people if you pay attention.

Microexpressions reveal all

If you really want to understand someone, watch their face for microexpressions -- very brief, involuntary facial expressions that humans make when experiencing an emotion.

They can’t be faked and will do what all body language does: repeat, contradict, substitute, complement, or accent what is being said.

Microexpressions are simple to pick up on, but you must be focused on the other person. You can’t be “listening” to those signals if you're stuck in your own head, thinking about yourself, what they think of you, or what to say next.

Read the virtual room

Here’s a powerful way to understand people and build relationships even if you're separated by distance.

When someone is speaking, watch everyone else for their reactions.

Most of the time we’re so stuck in our own heads, we’re not using the tools we do have to collect information to use later.

Follow up individually

I have found the most effective way to build “virtual, but real” relationships is to have one-on-one video calls with people shortly after group calls. During the group call, note when you believe someone is opposed to an idea, or confused, or frustrated, or excited about an initiative (from watching their body language).

Then reach out to that individual to explore your similarities and differences further. This is relationship building. You would do it if you were in the office, so take the extra effort to initiate the conversation virtually.  

It’s possible to build trust with many people individually, in short, to the point video calls. Yes, video calls. You can’t do this by text or email. You need to see the other person and look them in the eye, even if you’re separated by distance. And you can do this virtually.

If you’re worried about coming off as fake or manipulative, simply set your intent to connect. You may even use the excuse of trying to build more relationships while virtual.

No one else will do this for you

When I was the communications director for a global public policy firm, I would often hear complaints from our remote employees, saying they felt "out of the loop" or disconnected from the people and happenings at HQ. 

My team did everything we could to keep them informed, including building intranets, creating virtual coffees with execs, even a weekly video newsletter. The complaints never went away. They never even diminished.

I came to realize it wasn't information people wanted, it was connection.

No matter what your team lead, HR department, or organization does, you will never fulfill this human need unless YOU initiate and cultivate relationships with your co-workers.  

We all still have the same needs as we did when we were in the office together. Fulfill the need for human connection and build authentic relationships, even if you’re thousands of miles away.