Have to or chose to?

Marshal Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication reminds us that it’s easy to think we have no choice, that there are things we have to do. This is in part because our language limits our thinking.

“I have to go to work tomorrow.”

Our language obscures the fact that we always have autonomy, the ability to choose.

Sometimes, we may wish that we had more or different choices, but we always have choices. 

“I have to go to work tomorrow.”

“What would happen if you don’t?”

“I’d get fired.”

“So you’re choosing to go to work because you want the security of keeping your income?”

“Well, if you say it that way, I guess so.” 

When we use the language of expressing our needs, and how our choices help meet those needs -- rather than saying “have to” or even “should” -- we are taking responsibility for our choices and acknowledging our autonomy.

“I’m choosing to go to work to meet my needs for income and security.” 

This sounds like you’re more in control of your life. 

Because of your language, you are more able to see other ways to meet your need for security. 

Maybe you’ll look for a different job, ask your boss to make some changes, cut back your hours, work remotely, or return to the office (!), or any number of other strategies. 

Have a good weekend.