Get real

Recently, I was with a group of employees who work with kids in the juvenile justice and foster care system, and most of these employees have come from that world themselves.

We did an exercise called Share Personal Histories, where we went around a circle and shared three things about ourselves: where you grew up, where you are in the sibling order, and a unique challenge of your childhood.

The guy to my right, a mountain of a man who looked like he had more tattoos than friends, went first and said, “A tough thing about my childhood is that I just got out of prison after 20 years for killing someone when I was 16.”

Woah.

I didn’t think it could get more real than that, but then people opened up about overcoming addiction, parental abuse, dropping out of high school…they got real, and really appreciated the opportunity to tell their deep stories.

They said that by opening up in this way, they felt relief, were freer, finally “seen” by their co-workers, and less likely to judge others in the group and therefore give the benefit of the doubt during disagreements.

Then, just a few days later, I went to a posh Washington, DC high-rise office building to work with one of the world's leading philanthropic organizations, where I facilitated the exact same exercise.

These folks had been educated at Harvard and Oxford. They had PhD’s. They lived lives filled with opportunity and privilege.

Their stories were different, but the same. They opened up about parental divorces, hyper-demanding parents, absent parents, being bullied, and childhood trauma.

And you know what?

After the exercise, this group told me the exact same thing. They thanked me for providing a forum where they could share things they had long wished their co-workers knew about them.

Just like the earlier group, they were proud to share the challenges they had overcome and explain to their co-workers why they are the way they are.

My point?

Everyone – rich, poor, Black, White, Brown, educated, uneducated, secure, insecure, even the jerks among us – needs to communicate on this human level. Abraham Maslow said that being understood is a basic human need.

Your workplace is one of your tribes, and you are a tribal animal. In tribes, we look out for each other, we ask for help, we say “I messed up,” and “I’m sorry.”

It’s easier to be vulnerable when you really know someone and they know you.