Dump this toxic phrase

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

What a destructive phrase. 

You can’t apologize for someone’s feelings.

And, also, are you really?

How does it happen that we come to use such destructive, disconnecting language?

Let’s say, a co-worker was counting on you to fulfill a part of her project, but you weren’t able to meet her deadline.

If you’re a good teammate, you’ll end up in a conversation about it, and when she shows her frustration, you’ll feel like you’re under attack, or at least feel bad about not contributing your part.

When our emotions hijack our brains, we are no longer able to address the real issue our co-worker is facing, and instead start thinking about protecting our pride, ego, or position.

And then we fall back on all the bad habits our parents and teachers modeled for us, and “apologize” using a phrase that isn’t an apology at all. 

When we put up our defensive wall and say “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way,” we are actually communicating that we don’t care about her feelings. 

We’re saying that it’s unreasonable for her to feel her feelings.

And that it’s her problem to solve.  

Instead, you can validate the way she feels and express the way you do as well.

"I know how frustrating that the project is running behind. I feel terrible/ashamed/bad that I didn’t get my part done on time. I should have told you earlier. What can I do now to help?"

What’s powerful about this is that you’re not trying to eliminate the uncomfortable feelings either one of you has, but acknowledge them. 

Acknowledging emotions demonstrates you’re still on the same side, that you have empathy, and that you value the relationship – even if you can’t fix the problem immediately.

Remember, you still have to work with her after this incident.