Choose language that alienates or connects

Language shapes the way we think. Research has shown that people who speak different languages actually think differently, flukes of grammar can profoundly affect how we see the world, and expressing gratitude has lasting positive effects on the brain. 

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has demonstrated how certain ways of communicating that are very common in our language actually alienate us from “our natural state of compassion.” 

These include:

• Moralistic judgments (who is what): She’s lazy, they’re racist.

• Comparisons: She’s prettier, he’s better, he’s privileged, they’s luckier.

• Denial of responsibility: You make me so angry! It’s company policy.

• Communicating our desires as demands: Clean this up now!

• Meriting reward or punishment: He deserves to be shot. She only got the promotion because she’s a minority woman. 

These forms of communicating are taught to us from birth, in school, from our parents, and at work - this is the language of our culture, the paradigm for how we think, act, and feel. 

Yet, we are individuals with agency. We can become aware of the effects of our language, simply by paying attention to how it makes us feel when we use it.

When you’re less than connected, to yourself or those you’re interacting with, you may notice vague feelings of discomfort, or simply the realization that you’re not enjoying what’s being said. 

You may feel angry, or impatient, concerned, disappointed, frustrated, helpless, impatient, irritated, reluctant, sad, or overwhelmed. You may even want the other person to feel guilt or shame, or pain.  

This is disconnection. 

When we stop to feel the effect that life-alienating language has on us, we realize that this kind of language is uncomfortable because it disconnects us from ourselves and each other.   

It’s uncomfortable because it doesn’t lead to us getting our needs met, or contributing to others getting their needs met.

When our needs are met, we feel comfortable, confident, eager, fulfilled, hopeful, thankful, optimistic, moved, happy -- in other words, connected. 

When we become aware of the effects of our language, we have a choice.

We can choose the language of fulfilling needs or the language of blame. 

But we must then accept the effect it has on us and the world. 

Walls or windows. 

Pleasure or pain. 

You chose.